Jumbled Thoughts

I was talking to a friend today about service sites and how overwhelming the whole process is. We spent at least 7 hours a day, 4 days a week at these places with these people. We built relationships, invested in them, and were changed by them. And now it’s just over. I may never go back to Ethembeni or see those people again, especially some of the kids. It’s weird. The past two days, I have woken up in the morning with the mindset that I was going to the Family Center, and then had to remind myself that I wasn’t. It feels like something is missing in my day.

The past month has been crazy. Everything was so compacted: service sites all day, an hour to shower and do homework, Zulu class, bed, and then wake up and do it all again. There was never any time to process any of it. I think that is partly why I had so many tears on our last day. It was an overflow of everything I have been feeling during those four weeks. My heart was, and still is, overwhelmed by it all. Yesterday and today have just felt off. Like I said before, it felt like something was missing. And I know what it is. It’s the beautiful sound of children laughing and speaking better Zulu than I ever could; it’s having incredible conversations with the staff and hearing their hearts; it’s spending time with the teenagers and trying to comprehend their strength after they’ve endured so much; it’s seeing Jesus in the face of every single person I’ve met since we started on March 11^th. I miss that. I miss all of it.

I can’t even begin to guess how long it will take to process it all. Because I wasn’t able to process it as we went, I feel like it will take a long time. But truthfully, I’m excited. I can’t wait to learn more about the ways they impacted me, the ways they changed me, and the ways God was at work. I know my journey with Ethembeni is still very much in process, and it will be for a while. But there have been so many times just in the past two days that I’ve found myself praising God for loving me enough to allow me to experience everything that I did.

That has actually been a theme for me on this entire trip. My experience here has been one-of-a-kind. Living at African Enterprise, getting to know 53 people that have helped shape me, spending the most incredible month of my life at Ethembeni, the quiet times I’ve been able to have with the Lord that have radically changed me, weekend trips filled with joy and fun, having my perspective changed, growing so much spiritually and emotionally….God is so good. I feel like I can’t spend enough time praising Him for all that He has blessed me with since January. I am an incredibly lucky girl, and want to live my life in a way that shows my gratitude to Him.

I know these thoughts are all over the place, but I want to sum this all up with a quote from Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost for His Highest” that I read awhile back. It’s something that has really challenged me since being here, especially today on Good Friday, and I thought I’d share it with you all:

“If we are truly surrendered, we will never be aware of our own efforts to remain surrendered. Our entire life will be consumed with the One to whom we surrender. Beware of talking about surrender if you know nothing about it. In fact, you will never know anything about it until you understand that John 3:16 means that God, completely and absolutely gave Himself to us. In our surrender, we must give ourselves to God in the same way He gave Himself to us—totally, unconditionally, and without reservation. The consequences and circumstances resulting from our surrender will never even enter our mind, because our life will be totally consumed with Him.”