Okay, so a lot of people have been asking me about Bridges, wanting to know how it went and what we did. Also, I never process better than when I write down all my thoughts so this will be a good debrief for me. For those of you who may not know, Bridges is part of my Alpha Training and it’s a week spent in San Francisco, doing different sorts of ministries, mainly revolving around the homeless district (the Tenderloin) in that city.
To be honest, the first part of it was hard for me. We went to the YWAM base in San Francisco, which is the same place I went to all four years of high school for spring break missions trips. I was really disappointed when we pulled up to the building. I thought that, because I had been before, my experience would be different than every other person on this trip. That it would somehow be less because nothing was new for me. I couldn’t have been more wrong but that’s later in the week J. It was also a weird experience because I was so used to being in that place with people from CPC/Ventura and now, here I was with all my friends from APU. It just felt like my worlds were colliding. I would walk in, expecting to see Tyler or Kalie or my mom, and instead saw people from Azusa. Very, very weird.
The first morning, we walked across the Golden Gate Bridge (my first time ever!) and it was actually a really neat experience. I really prayed that God would humble me and take away any pride I may feel from having been there before. And also that I wouldn’t become lethargic about the week and just assume God wouldn’t be able to teach me anything because of my previous experience. And boy, did he answer my prayers. He moved in huge ways and not only opened my eyes to things, but completely changed my heart.
Something I’ve always had a really hard time with is God’s justice. I just feel like there is so much brokenness in the world: children dying of poverty, broken families, women & children forced into slavery (whether that be sex trafficking, sweat shops, forced labor, etc), people living on the streets…and so much more. And it’s just all around us. So a big part of my faith has been trying to understand how God chooses to administer His justice. There are so many things that are so unfair and just heart-breaking and it doesn’t always make sense to me that a loving, merciful, just God would allow these things to happen. And it’s also hard not to feel guilty about it. Like, spending an entire day serving homeless people lunch and hearing their sad, sad stories and then getting fed a gourmet feast…it just felt wrong somehow.
And why did God bless me with two loving parents? A house to live in? A country built off of human freedoms? It just doesn’t make sense to me. So I spent a lot of time this week really praying about that and searching for some answers. I haven’t found a solid answer yet…and probably never will…but did find peace in the fact that God is all-knowing and even when I can’t see it, He has a plan.
Another thing I really dealt with was choosing God’s plan over my own. So often, I get really caught up in planning my future that I just completely leave God out of it. And it will even be with things that should be solely focused on the Lord. Like, ministries I want to get involved in or ways I want to serve…I don’t always pray about it and ask God where He wants me. I will instead just choose where I think I have a passion. And it’s not even that I should just be consulting God about it; I should be coming to Him with a blank slate, fully willing to serve in whatever capacity He calls me to. Which is definitely not easy, but now that I’m aware of this, it’s something I can work on.
And now, perhaps the biggest thing God did in my life and the largest way He answered my prayers from the bridge that morning…One day, we went on a prayer walk to Union Station. We stopped once we got there and Amanda (my AC leader) told us to take a couple minutes to just walk around and see what the Lord opens our eyes to. While we were there, there was some sort of jazz festival going on. There were hundreds of people sitting around, getting dinner & drinks, hanging out together just enjoying their luxurious evening. Then I walked around to the back of the stage and saw two homeless men, sleeping. And my first thought was, “How typical.” I just felt like, “These people are all out there having a wonderful evening while these men are suffering.” And I began to pray for God to open their eyes to the brokenness merely 10 yards away from them. And God, in his divine voice, gently said, “What about your eyes?” And it just completely hit me: Sure, my eyes are open while I’m on a mission trip but what about at home? I complain about San Franciscans ignoring the Tenderloin District but I go home and avoid the Avenue or bad areas of Oxnard. I’m no better than any of them. So then I began to pray for God to open my eyes. That I would realize my sin and turn from it. And the two things I heard the Lord say to me were “You cannot live an ordinary life” and “You could do so much for me if you would just try.” I’m often so busy and think that one missions trip a year is “enough”. But God wants my eyes to be open all the time. On a Tuesday afternoon while walking to class. All the time. And while I was sitting among people I would normally feel so comfortable with, I felt God saying that I can’t live this way. That I need to do something extraordinary. I want to love the people that the world says are unlovable. I want God to take my life, this broken and ordinary life, and do something radical with it. Something revolutionary. Something extraordinary.
On the last morning there, we were taken back to the Golden Gate Bridge. This time, we walked the opposite way across it and just prayed over the past week. For me personally, it was incredible. First of all, it was the most beautiful day. Perfectly clear and warm...which is such a blessing from God, to see His beauty in such a tangible way.
But as I walked across, I just kept singing the song “How He Loves” by Kim Walker. And I realized that my desire to live an extraordinary life, my desire to serve God, should come from a deep and innate thankfulness for how much He loves me. I was a sinner, damned to hell and He saved me from that. My desire to serve Him should come from a grateful spirit and an awe of how much He loves me. I know I just said that, but it was just such a powerful truth in those few minutes. God loves me more than I could understand. He saved me from hell. Yes, absolutely I want to spend the rest of my life thanking Him for that. It’s like marriage: wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone, just to express how much you lovethem. How much more should it be that way for God? But it’s not only how much we love Him, but how thankful we are.
So now that I’m back home, I’m trying to figure out what it means to live an extraordinary life. And how to serve Him best with my life. It’s definitely a process and something I need to pray about a lot, but I really feel like just in the past few days, my heart has changed. That God really has broken down SO much of the pride I had and replaced it with gratitude and humility and selflessness. Of course, this journey is never over and I am far from perfecting these areas in my life but being aware of this is just the first step. And, for the first time in a long time, I’m so excited about how God is going to break me and re-mold me. What a joy.
Sorry if this was all over the place. I’m very much still processing it all and haven’t fully grasped it. Truthfully, this was part of my debriefing just for my own heart. So thank you for listening J To sum it up: God is so unbelievably good and I can’t wait to learn more about how to live as an ordinary radical.
