Finally getting nervous

Wow. It's been awhile since I've written on here. I'm sure part of it has just been Christmas chaos. After doing Christmas morning with my family, we drove to LA to do Christmas with my mom's family and stayed down there until Sunday morning, and then drove down to San Diego to celebrate with my dad's family and got back to Ventura yesterday afternoon. It was a very busy weekend, to say the least.

I think another part of why it's been awhile though is that I haven't really known what to say. And that goes for this blog and my journaling...which I normally do every night, but have struggled to get a sentence down this last week.

I have to admit: I'm finally starting to get nervous about South Africa. Up until this point, all the fear or nerves have been overcome by the thrill and excitement of what's to come. No concerns. No worries. Just joy. And I still feel more excited than I ever have for anything in my life, but I guess I'm starting to realize how big of a deal it is. I leave for school in 20 days, and leave for South Africa in 22 days and all of the sudden, I wonder where all the time went. I remember sitting in San Clemente when I got the email--June 19th--and now, I'm leaving in 20 days??? That's just crazy to me.

And I'm not so worried about my safety, or forgetting to pack something crucial...I'm worried about everything I'll miss out on back home. I'm sad that there will be 4 months with my friends and family that will escape. It's weird that, when I leave, people aren't going to just be sitting in their rooms, waiting for me to come back. They'll go on with their lives and make new memories and have so much to tell me about. And obviously, I don't want them to just sit around waiting but it's just....weird. I've never been gone like this before. Because even with college, I was only an hour away and could still be totally involved at home. But this is different.

I'm really bad at saying good byes, too. I've done enough of that in the past year and a half that even the thought of it could make me cry. I hate not being with the people I love. But I really do believe this is where God is taking me. And, like I said, even though now I finally am starting to get nervous, I still get giddy whenever I think about it. I no longer want to leave right this second, but I know when January 21 rolls around, I will be ready and excited.

Home

I'm going to be honest....I'm obsessed with Ventura.

Everytime I come back home, I realize how much I missed it and how incredibly blessed I am to live in one of the most gorgeous places in the world. Plus, most of my favorite people live here, so that's always a plus. :)

Sunday night was a Christmas party at the Greig's house, which was so much fun! Getting to hear about people's lives, seeing old friends, wearing tacky sweaters...it doesn't get much better. Then on Monday night, Katie Hahn had her annual Christmas party which was a blast! I'm already looking forward to the next one :) But it was really good to have {almost} all of my favorite friends in one place, just hanging out. I hope she still has her Christmas party when we're all 90 and can't even hear each other anymore.

Also, I had a friend from APU come down to visit (shout out Lauren! haha) and it was just great. She's also going to South Africa with me, so we went and saw Invictus. Let me just say, if you haven't seen it, go see it! We both walked out of the theater and said "We just want to go now!" Half the movie, I had chills. It was such an incredible depiction of that county and the apartheid. Man, it's amazing how much God can put a place on you heart that you've never even been to. I am DYING to get over there. I would go right now, taking only the clothes I'm wearing. I just want to be there.

In other news, it's Christmas Eve tomorrow. What!?!? I'm pretty sure that yesterday was August and I was moving into my apartment in Azusa. (PS, does anyone else feel really old when they say things like that? "It was only yesterday...." Maybe that's just me). I'm excited for 2010 though. It holds some incredible opportunities for me. South Africa, a 5-month summer, moving to Seattle...yup, sounds like a good year!

Cool, Mom and Dad

Yesterday morning, I woke up and heard someone in my room. I look over, and see my mom rummaging through my jewelry box. She looks at me and says, "Sorry to wake you. I just needed to borrow some jewelry." Clearly...

So, since I'm now awake, I get up and walk into the kitchen. On my way to the kitchen though, I walk past my brother's room and see my dad, going through Jordan's closet, apparently trying to find a shirt to wear that day.

I guess this is how things work now that we're both away at college. They just borrow our stuff. Makes me wonder where all my missing shirts are...

Learning How to Die

I'm gonna miss you

I'm gonna miss you

When you're gone

She says, I love you

I'm gonna miss you

And your songs

And I said, please

Don't talk about the end

Don't talk about how

Every living thing goes away

She said, friend

All along I thought

I was learning how to take

How to bend not how to break

How to live not how to cry

But really

I've been learning how to die

I've been learning how to die

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." -Matthew 16: 24

I know the plans I have for you...

Okay, it’s official.

Next fall, I am transferring up to Seattle Pacific University.

Wow, it’s weird to say that. I am going to go to school in Seattle. Not Azusa. Seattle. I think it’s for the best. Well, I know it’s for the best.

It’s been a really long process, thinking about it, praying about it, figuring out logistics, deciding if I really could do it….but now that I’m finally here, I know this is right. For so many months now, I have been praying that God would give me peace and clarity about whatever I choose, whether to stay in Azusa or go to Seattle. Looking back, I feel like I’ve had that peace all along but thinking about leaving APU is hard. I have made a lot of wonderful friends here and I think it’s an absolutely incredible school. But going to Seattle is something I need to do for myself.

I have wanted to go to SPU and live in Seattle for almost five years now. And looking back, I can’t remember anything I wanted five years ago that I still want today. Other than getting married. J I just feel like, if this has been a constant desire of mine for that long, I need to give it a shot. Because I know myself and I know if I don’t go up there, I will ALWAYS wonder “what if?”

So, next Fall, I’m taking a leave of absence from APU and going up to Seattle. That way, if I get up there and hate it (which I don’t foresee happening, but you never know) I can always come back to APU really easily. But I have to go. I can feel my excitement building whenever I talk about it. I remember how long I’ve wanted this and I think…just go for it.

I think I’m also ready to get out of Southern California. Which I know is kind of humorous considering I’m going to spend four months in South Africa (AHHHH!!!) but I think I want to settle down here, and before I do that, I want to live somewhere else. Experience a different culture within the United States, actually have seasons, be even more independent from my parents than I am now…all of it just sounds so exciting. And my prayer for all of this was that if I’m supposed to go, that God would open the doors that needed to be open. And he opened every single one. Housing, classes, transferring units, transcripts, the minor I wanted, graduating in four years still….everything will work out perfectly.

It’s weird now though. These past few months, I had no idea this would be my last semester at APU. Well, on APU’s campus. Heading into finals week, this is my last week here. And as sad as it is, I can say that with complete peace.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Lately, God’s plans have not been taking me down the path I would have predicted a year ago. It’s looking very, very different. But through it all, I have found this joy in the Lord that I’ve never known before. There is something so powerful about blindly following God and obeying His plan for you, even when you don’t understand it. I think that faith in Him can bring so much joy, and it’s a joy I have been blessed to experience lately. So, although I’m really sad to leave Azusa and it will definitely be weird to not be at this school any longer, God has given me a peace and a joy that helps me know it’s the right decision.

And I can’t wait to see what God’s future for me holds.

He does come.

I have been re-reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and read a passage tonight that I loved and felt compelled to share. Enjoy.

"Like you, there are seasons in my life when Jesus seems very near and seasons where I can't seem to find him at all. Sometimes it feels like we're playing a game of hide-and-seek, but he's got all the best hiding places staked out. All relationships ebb and flow.

The ebbing is to draw our hearts out in deeper longing. In the times of emptiness, an open heart notices. What are you feeling? Like a lonely girl missing her daddy? Like a teenage young woman feeling completely invisible, unseen? Often God allows these feelings to surface to help us go back to times when we have felt like this before. Notice also what you want to do--how you handle your heart. Are you shutting down in anger? Turning to food? To others?

What is crucial is that, this time, we handle our hearts differently.

We ask our Love to come for us, and we keep our hearts open to his coming. We choose not to shut down. We let the tears come. We allow the ache to swell into a longing prayer for our God. And he comes, dear hearts. He does come."

Roommate fun

I love my roommate. She is the funniest person I know. Here is one example.

We're sitting in our living room, silently doing our homework. Or, at least, I was doing my homework. Then Katie says, out of nowhere, "Tiger Woods is black???"

I was in shock. Hahaha So I asked her multiple times if she was being serious, because I couldn't believe it. I said, "You really didn't know? Did you think he was white???"

Katie: "Well, I've never really pictured him as a color, I always think of him as a tiger."

:) That's my roommate!

8 days

Alright, I have to say before I write anything...right as I sat down, I looked up at the wall and there was a HUGE cricket crawling right above Katie's piano. So so so so gross. Proud to say I smashed it with a shoe and put it in the trash. Sorry, little guy. :) 

In other news... haha. Finals are coming up next week. I have to say, I'm a little nervous. I'm mainly nervous for my Biology class because I feel like I always try SO hard and don't do well but I guess I'll just study until I feel like my face is going to fall off, and then take it! 

If I make it through finals alive, I'll be home in 8 days!!! I was talking to Michaela today (she is super bored since her broken collar bone is inhibiting her from doing much) and she was saying that she missed me. I told her I'd be home in 8 days and I'd be home for a whole month. Precious little thing said, "Yeah, but then you are going to another country for four months." Shot through the heart. It will be really really hard to leave her. It'll be really hard to leave a lot of people, but I'm trying not to think about that yet. After all, we still have 43 days until we leave. 

Here are all the things I'm excited for at home though: 

• A whole month with my family
• A whole month with my best friends 
• Katie Hahn's Christmas party
• The Greig's Christmas party
• Best friends (I'm really excited so it goes on the list twice)
• New Years Eve
• Christmas!!!! 
• Walks on the beach/maybe going to the beach if it's warm enough??
• Snapper Jacks
  

I love home. I can't wait.

For you are my hope...

It’s pretty amazing how deep the wound of gossip can go. It’s often disregarded as a small sin and something that isn’t that big of a deal, but it sucks. It really sucks. I think people just want to be included, to be able to say that they know what happened and contribute to a conversation that no one really needs to be part of. But those words hurt. One person says something, they tell three people, who tell two people, who tell a whole group and it eventually becomes so twisted.

I just want people to know the truth. Well, no. I just want people to not talk about it. It’s none of their business anyway.

I suppose I don’t really have the right to complain. Lord knows I’ve talked about people when I shouldn’t have. I think this whole situation though has made me realize how hurtful it can be. It’s made me realize why it’s a sin and how it affects those who are being talked about.

I’ve been praying lately that I could ignore all the comments people have made, and simply find peace in the Lord. People will always talk but my confidence must be found in Christ.

“Most blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is.” –Jeremiah 17:7

“For you are my hope; O Lord God, You my trust from my youth and the source of my confidence.” –Psalm 71:5

Weekend

What a weekend. 

First of all, on Friday Taylor Greig, Hayley Swan, and Kyle Hahn came down to visit. It was soooooooo fun! :) We made yummy dinner, went into Pasadena, watched The Grinch, made a late night run to Donut Man, and had wonderful, heartfelt conversations. It was such an absolute joy to be with those three and hear from the girls about their lives and their hearts. It's kind of a funny concept to look up to people who are younger than you, but I definitely would say I look up to those girls. Just the way they truly commit everything they do to the Lord and how they are constantly seeking His plan...it's remarkable. And I love it about them. :) 

Saturday afternoon, I went home for a quick 24 hour visit to drop stuff off and go to a couple of Michaela's soccer games. She is a soccer stud right now and I really really enjoy watching her play. Sunday morning, bright and early (7am), I got up to go to her game...I know, I'm a GREAT sister ;) She rocked and scored the only goal of the game. Then my mom and I went to the Camarillo Outlets for a little shopping but got bored and overwhelmed, so we went back home. Then we went to Michaela's next game, during which she collided with another girl and broke her collar bone. Seeing her laying on the field crying...it was a little much for me. We drove her to the ER and she got x-rayed and everything. And then after that eventful afternoon, I drove back here to Azusa. Craziness. 

Here's my next two weeks: studying and packing. That's it. I have finals next week which will be the death of me, and then Katie and I move out next Thursday!!!! Isn't that weird?? It's weird thinking we only have 10 days left in this apartment. It feels like we just got here, and now we're leaving. I have a feeling it will all go by in a blur.  

In other news, my wonderful roommate is currently making me soup (it's raining and cold outside!!! Yay!) and it's ready so I should go. Gotta love roommates! :)

Pray for Daisy

Pray for Daisy.

It's such a simple statement, yet so powerful. Britt & Kate Merrick's daughter Daisy Love has been diagnosed with cancer, and I just spent the last hour reading through her entire blog, which you can read here. Reading about just the incredible miracles the Lord has performed and the courage of Daisy and her family...it is amazing to me. One thing that stuck out to me was an entry, only a sentence long, but so incredibly powerful. 5-year-old Daisy Love said this:

Awhile back when Daisy was asked what she wanted to be when she grows up, she replied “I’m leaning toward astronaut, but maybe warrior for the Lord.”

This precious girl is already a warrior for Him. Her story has affected so many lives. Pray for her, pray for the Merrick family, pray for healing. Pray for a miracle.

TOMS

Alright, Christmas is coming and one thing I really really want but don't think I'm going to get is a pair of TOMS. I can't decide if I want red or black, but I would take either! Haha. Plus it's such a cool cause. One for one. So awesome. I would love to have these for South Africa, but there are other things I need more. Like I've said before though, a girl can dream!

P.S. Shout out to Shannon Snyder for teaching me how to do the links!! Thanks girl! :)
P.P.S. Yes, this is my second blog today. Oh well.

Okay, that's all! :)

Too many to declare

"I waited patiently for the Lord; 

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, 

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, 

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear 

and put their trust in the Lord.

Blessed is the man

who makes the Lord his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O Lord my God,

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare."

-Psalm 40:1-5

I know I've said this before, but I do feel like the past year has been a year of waiting for the Lord. That He has been preparing me for something I can't even imagine; something I wouldn't believe, even if I was told. There were just so many huge experiences I had to to adjust to, and through it all, God taught me so much about trusting Him. He taught me about waiting patiently. 

I still feel like I'm in a time of waiting and preparation, yet I also feel my heart becoming restless. I find myself hoping that whatever it is God has been planning for me will be revealed to me soon. Maybe in South Africa?? Who knows. But I'm ready for Him to show that to me. I know I'm becoming restless, but my prayer is that He will give me a new song. That, even when I feel like I'm prepared enough, I will continue to seek His plan and growth for me right now. 

It's been a rough semester. Busier than I could've imagined and definitely took some turns I wouldn't have ever guessed. But in the midst of that, I have found so many blessings from God. So many wonders that are too many to declare. So...yes, I do feel restless and I feel ready for the Lord to bring me somewhere different in my heart and my life, but I also feel grateful. 

I was talking to some friends last night about the sin of unthankfulness and how we often forget about it. And usually I would say I do, but because of how much the Lord has brought me through lately, I feel incredibly thankful. Blessed beyond belief and ready to use this thankful heart to spread His glory.