I Want to be Different

“My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your Word.”

I have been so tired lately. My mind, body, heart, and soul are all just absolutely exhausted. It could be because I’m babysitting 5 days a week, which requires more energy than I expected. But it could also be because it feels like everything takes triple the energy it normally would since I’m still trying to adjust to being back. It’s a slow process. I mean, it hasn’t even been 3 weeks but it’s an odd feeling to be uncomfortable in a town you have lived your whole life in.

I think one of the hardest things is trying to figure out how to apply all these changes to my life. I am a different girl now than I was five months ago. I just am. People treat me the same but I don’t feel the same. One of my friends, who went through something similar to this, said to me once “I didn’t want to be “back”, I wanted to be different.” That’s how I feel. Everything seems exactly the same, especially in a small town like Ventura, but I’m not the same. It feels like people don’t realize what I’ve seen. They don’t understand the South Africans I met or the experiences I had. The memories or visual images I hold…you can’t understand unless you’ve been there and I am helpless to convey the importance. I am not the same, but I don’t know how to show that. I don’t know how those lessons I learned and the ways I grew apply here in this context. I know my life needs to look different but I don’t know how. I don’t know where to go from here.

Church on Sunday was absolutely amazing though. The Lord completely spoke through Britt and touched my heart. He’s been speaking on Mark 5, and this week focused on verses 18-20.

“As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed.”

It’s been hard being home, but I’ve been trying to remind myself (and praying for God’s little reminders) that the Lord brought me home for a reason. It’s weird and I don’t always like it but when Britt was talking Sunday, I felt like God was calling me to share about my South African experience in a way that glorifies Him.

Britt was saying that you are the best person to reach your people. We understand the culture, the questions, the problems, etc. God is so strategic to use you as you are, where you are. We are the best missionaries to our hometown because we understand all this. I’ve been so bummed to be home, and this was such an encouraging reminder that God has me here for a reason. It’s not like He can only use me in South Africa, even if it does feel that way sometimes. It can feel purposeless here, but it’s not! It’s really not.

Another reason Britt gave for us being the best missionaries to our people is because they’re the best witnesses of our transformation. The transformed life gives attention to Jesus. And I could not agree with that more. The Lord completely changed my perspective and my heart while I was gone, and like I said, I feel like a large reason He brought me back here is to share that growth.

It’s been quite the journey. I have days where I’m thankful to be in Ventura, and days where I would give absolutely anything to go back. I still feel like I’m not exactly sure where my place is in this culture but I’m praying God will open my eyes to it. That He will show me how to be the best missionary I possibly can in my hometown. And that my experience in South Africa will not go to waste, but bring Him glory in every possible way.

Missio Christi | Renew Part IV (Sent) from Reality on Vimeo.

Here is the link to the sermon video…if you have a chance, watch it. It’s amazing.